I did it again!!

I managed to piss her off the second I walked in the door today! I had to work, so she was alone all day. Not sure if that triggered it or not, but she got really REALLY angry when I asked where she had found my mixer. Of course, she said it was out in the open (which it wasn't) and that she just packed a box of her things and she wanted it left in there. This box was all my stuff. She still didn't believe me even after I showed her my can cooler with an "E" on it, but whatever. She got mad, went to her room to pout, or sulk, or whatever she does in there when she's mad and came out to make her a cup of coffee a bit later like nothing had ever happened.

Geeeez, I wish she could share that!! I wonder if I could sell it.....

She had a bunch of food out on the counter that she had taken out of the refrigerator hours before and had cleaned off the table COMPLETELY. We wonder if today was one of the days when she was expecting lots of people for a meal. We only have 3 or 4 people for a meal anytime, so when she said there were 6 pieces of pizza - one for each of the 6 people coming over - this made me think she was expecting a crowd. I wonder how long that food had been out?!

After she got mad and un-mad at me, all she wanted to do was talk about dinner. What are we going to fix? Who is coming? Do you want it now? Are you starting dinner now? Do you want a scrambled egg sandwich for dinner? I wonder when everyone will be here for dinner and should we get started? I'm calling your mom to get her to pick up a pizza on the way home for dinner. There's more, but I'll save them. She's making me hate dinner!!

The fall...

So, yesterday Granny fell...and fell hard! You know that sound that you keep hearing over and over again after you have had a car accident? Yeah . . .

I was cooking stuff to go in the crock pot for lasagna when Granny decided that she was going to quit reading the paper and had to go and "refurbish the yard after the renters had a hold of it." She went to the front door and couldn't figure out how to get the screen door unlocked (she had locked it at some point during the morning), so she just decided she would go out the back door. I met her in the hallway, unlocked the front door, and was walking back to stir the turkey on the stove when I heard it.

The most horrific noise that keeps echoing over and over again in my head. I gasped and ran to the door to find Granny laying sideways on the bottom landing of the concrete steps out back. It was horrible. I rushed out to see if she was stable, ran back in to call Mom, and ran back out to help her up. She was obviously stunned and took a minute to sit up. She wanted her shoe after she quit holding her head. I had no idea what to do. She didn't look bad enough to call 911, but she was hurt and I didn't know where or how bad. I still don't know how it happened.

She was laying on her left side, but all her injuries are on her right side: right elbow (nice, deep skinned places), right hip (HUGE bruise and one smaller one), right shoulder (skinned place and bruise), and her head. Yup, her head. There is a GIANT knot up there that she swears is just part of her head, despite the fact that it is red and bruised. She lost her right shoe, almost lost her right panty hose sock thing, and her glasses were out in the yard. We think she's ok, but concussion watch was a tad stressful yesterday. I'm soooo glad she's ok, but I had a really hard day at work worrying about her! I felt like a mother who had just left her baby for the first time!

And somewhere in the chaos, I think I broke my toe.

She got upset that Mom (who rushed home from work) and I kept calling people (mainly Aunt Pat) and telling them, but today, she doesn't have a clue in the world why she is so sore and banged up. I so wish I could tap into that forgetfulness! I would give just about anything to be able to forget that sound.

I'm horrible at this

So I thought I was doing a pretty good job of being a caregiver.  

Apparently, I was WAAAAYYYYY wrong!

I came back from my time away Thursday and I thought all was well.  Mom said Granny was having an anxiety filled night.  I got in pretty late, but Granny got up out of bed to see me and then she didn't get up again.  I thought it had calmed her down and all was well.  The next day was fine, but then it went downhill from there.  

Friday we had the big issue with the flu shot.  She was to have one at 2:45, but she thought she had already had one.  We called Mom, Aunt Pat, asked the doctor, and she even checked her arms for injection sites, but she still wouldn't believe.  I finally got the people at the doctor's office to tell her that there is no harm in having 2 flu shots!  She said that she would be watching for adverse reactions and that was the end of that, thankfully!

Saturday came...

Mom, Granny, and I all went to church to get our food that we ordered.  That went fine.  Then Mom and Tyler left to go to storage to pack Tyler's stuff while Granny and I stayed at the house.  It was fine for a very long time.  We talked, she read the paper, I was cleaning, etc.

Then it happened...!  I had to go take a key to Tyler at storage and I was gone exactly 30 minutes.  I walked back in the house and I got it.  She started griping at me because she was tired of being left alone all day long and she just wasn't going to stand for it anymore.  I tried to talk to her and tell her that I had only been gone for 30 minutes and remind her of all we had done, but she did her usual walking off as I'm talking and said that she was "just a liar."  It was nuts.  The next thing I know, she is in the kitchen with her head down on the kitchen counter crying and saying she wished she were dead.  ARGH!!!!  She finally talked to Aunt Pat and calmed down a bit.  

She only ate half a piece of pizza and had a million cups of coffee all day.

I'm not sure what I did or didn't do, or what I could have done differently, but I am obviously the worst caregiver EVER!!

Attitudes

One night last week Granny was so laughy!!  Everything made her just shake with laughter!!  Even things that weren't funny!  It was pretty hilarious.  It made Mom and I laugh, too, which was a nice change for us.  Granny's emotions can change drastically within the course of a few minutes, and when she gets happy, it's very nice to see.  Kinda gives us a breath of fresh air and makes it seem like everything is going to be okay, if even for just a few minutes.  It's funny how God gives us little things like that to help us get through!

Leaves, Leaves, and More Leaves!!

Yup, we are constantly talking about the leaves!!  She cannot stand the leaves on the ground and it is literally, almost all she talks about.  We had to rake the leaves AGAIN last night!!  She is upset today because it is raining and she can't rake any leaves.  When we drive, all she talks about is the leaves on the trees, off the trees, and how pretty they are.  Sometimes, I think that if she says one more word about the stupid leaves or tress, that I will go insane!!  Mom and I just have to laugh about it to be able to handle it.  

I don't know if her mind can't think of anything else to talk about, but I sure wish she would drop the leaves issue (no pun intended!) just for a few hours!  Oh well, raking leaves gives us something to do together.  As long as she bags, I'm totally cool with raking everyday if I have to!!  I'll get lots of good exercise and so will she!!  We will have another new thing to talk about when there are no more leaves to rake in the winter...I wonder what that will be...

Worries

I'm going out of town today to take care of some things that I need to and just to have a bit of a break.  You know, that time for yourself that all caregivers should take (the breaks that my mother doesn't!) every day?  Well, I am taking one of those, but I don't think it will be as beneficial as it should be since I will be worrying about Granny the entire time.

I know this will happen because it always does.  It's different than leaving my students with a sub.  This is way harder.  I feel that I am with Granny all day, every day and I know her patterns and can usually calm her down and help her through the day.

It would be different if I knew that someone else would come over and be with her for even half a day, but that won't happen, which is another source of worry, but whatever.  I don't know how she will do by herself for the whole day while Mom is at work.  She gets so bored when I am here, what's going to happen when I'm not.  

I know I shouldn't feel guilty for taking time for myself, but I do.  If I don't take care of her, who will?!  Mom can't take off work to do it anymore, although that's what will most likely happen.  Aunt Pat will help sometimes, but she has lots of other stuff to do and Granny has plenty of other family members that could certainly step up and pitch in.  Well, they won't so the responsibility falls back on me and Mom.  I'm aware that we chose this, but I mostly chose it because I saw a need that others weren't filling.  I'm not resentful, just heartbroken for Granny since it seems that nobody cares enough to take time out of their lives (you know, kinda like the one I gave up for her?) to share the responsibility.   She isn't aware of much, anymore, but she is sure aware that nobody comes to visit her.  This is a hard thing to watch her go through.

Oh well, we do what we have to do, which is why I feel guilty for leaving.  I know I need the time away to take care of myself so I can take care of Granny, and I know that everything will be fine, I just worry!  There will be several phone calls home each day to check in and I'll be ready to go again when I get back!!

Hallucinations

Well, today Granny is bored.  She will not do anything I give her to do and she won't find anything herself.  She just walks around the house and sits - not watching tv or reading - she just sits.

I just fixed potato soup for lunch and she ate a huge bowl, griping at me because there was too much in it.  She had 3 bites left and tried to give it to Sophie.  After I had taken her bowl to the sink, I found her in the kitchen looking for food because she was still very hungry because she "just had a very little bit for lunch."  ARGH!!  This is the opposite of how she usually is, so eating more is always better, but it's still kinda frustrating!

She has been hallucinating, I guess, a lot lately.  She imagines things that aren't there.  Earlier she came in and asked me what happened to the pot of beans she had on the stove.  You guessed it, no beans were ever on the stove.  She just asked where the other little dog was.  We discussed that Sophie is the only dog that has ever been here and she, obviously, disagreed.  She said she fed him this morning.  I finally ended it by saying that his owner came to get him and she was ok with that.  It's really hard to flat out lie to her!  

This has been happening a lot lately.  She thinks there are more people at the house or that lots of people are coming over and she worries about it.  Last night she stayed up waiting on "all our folks" to come to the house.  I gave her her medicine and it finally made her sleepy, but she stressed a lot.  Much the same happened today when lunchtime rolled around.  She was ready to cook lunch at 10:00 for the workers.  I don't know where she gets some of this stuff!!  I know it would help if more of her family and friends came to visit, but we will just deal with it and try to keep her not thinking about that.  I just wish she was still able to occupy herself and not go so stir crazy - whether someone is here with her or not.

The Past Few Weeks

Over the past two or three weeks, all those close to Granny have noticed a huge change in her.  

She has become much more defiant and combative.  She gets very angry very easily.  Granny was not usually this way.

She seems to be forgetting more and more each day and her short-term memory is pretty much nonexistent.  

Granny is no longer happy like she used to be.  She is constantly bored and just walks around the house all day long.  She will not do the things people give her to do.  She seems to stick to very familiar things such as washing dishes, making coffee, cleaning things, and making the beds.

She will fight with us if we try to get her to eat, take a bath, or wash her hair.  The anxiety pills do not seem to be working very well.

All of these things, as you can imagine, present their own problems that are getting increasingly harder to deal with.

Unlearned

As of today, these are the things that Granny has already forgotten how to do:

~ Put away the dishes she has just washed (knowing how to was is fading also)

~ Match her clothes (sometimes putting them on is tough)

~ Follow more than one or two step directions

~ How to turn on the gas stove

~ Entertain or occupy herself

~ Remember whether or not she has eaten or taken a bath

~ Know who some people are

~ Know she is at home, know where she goes to church, know that she no longer has a car

She is also forgetting how to make her own instant coffee.  She certainly hasn't forgotten, yet, with her 20 cups a day, but she struggles each time she makes it.  

Other tasks are very hard and take lots of patience such as raking the leaves and putting them up.  One time she will want to bag them, then she will want to put them in the garbage can, then she will stuff them in the recycle bin, then she will want to dump them in the alley.....etc.

Granny likes to feel useful, but there is a fine line when giving her something to do.  She has a very short attention span, so it makes doing things very hard.

It is interesting to see how the mind regresses.  Hard and extremely frustrating, but extremely interesting.  I just wish somebody understood it so they could fix it!!

Today's Struggles

So, today Granny is on this kick of wanting me to do everything for her.

"Would you make me a sandwich?"

"Would you go bill me a cup of coffee, please?"

"Do you know where today's paper is?" (Me - "In on the kitchen table")  "Would you bring it to me, please?"

"Come over here and rake these leaves up"  "Pick those leaves up and put them in the bag."  "Tie this bag up for me."

Not that I don't enjoy doing things for her, because I do, but this is getting a little old today.

We raked the yard for the 4th time THIS WEEK!!  It was also raked Sunday, Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.  While we (I) were raking she kept saying how we were wasting our time and asking me if I had seen any leaves falling.  Oh my.  After we were done she kept talking about what a difference we had made.  Wow!  I only wish that I could see both sides of the coin at all times!

Autumn Lights Gala

Last night I had the privilege of going to the Alzheimer's Association Autumn Lights Gala and Silent Auction.  It was extremely touching.  I only cried 3 times!

Mary Steenburgen and Ted Danson were there as honorary chairs.  They both have Alzheimer's in their families and told some great stories.  Granny's doctor, Dr. Liu, was presented with the Maureen Reagan Award and gave a small speech.  It was great to be able to hear that others struggle with the same things we do at our house.  

The silent and live auctions didn't do so hot, but they were still fun.  Many thanks to my friend, Jason, for inviting me.  I also had fun getting dressed up and enjoying a free dinner!